I miss you so much as if a part of me was taken away. And that part was breathing and thinking. And living. You took the living part of me and you have it. And I can never get it back. I don't want to take it back. I could grow it again but I don't want that either. I just want to be with you because you are taht living part of me.

"You kiss better than she sucks". I'm the woman, you know.

I can't even decide which was greater cowardice: to leave without talking, without trying to solve and adjust or coming back now being ready to change everything. Two days I was going through hell and should kept going as I was sure in what I'n doing. Now I doubt everything every minute but it is much easier. I now derive consolation from the thought that I am not strong at all and anything I can do now is flow and try to relax. As I am getting better and have more and more doubts, I eat myself with delusion that in fact I had strength and power to keep going, to experience that, to survive at last and to do the right thing. And I am afraid that I will never know which was right to do: to leave or to return.

About a week ago I wanted to thank A for leading me to D. I haven't been that happy in years.
And today I'm ruined.