Grab your girl, rape her with all that bureaucracy and fuck off me.

I miss you so much as if a part of me was taken away. And that part was breathing and thinking. And living. You took the living part of me and you have it. And I can never get it back. I don't want to take it back. I could grow it again but I don't want that either. I just want to be with you because you are taht living part of me.

"You kiss better than she sucks". I'm the woman, you know.

I can't even decide which was greater cowardice: to leave without talking, without trying to solve and adjust or coming back now being ready to change everything. Two days I was going through hell and should kept going as I was sure in what I'n doing. Now I doubt everything every minute but it is much easier. I now derive consolation from the thought that I am not strong at all and anything I can do now is flow and try to relax. As I am getting better and have more and more doubts, I eat myself with delusion that in fact I had strength and power to keep going, to experience that, to survive at last and to do the right thing. And I am afraid that I will never know which was right to do: to leave or to return.

About a week ago I wanted to thank A for leading me to D. I haven't been that happy in years.
And today I'm ruined.

"You are my slave, - you say to me. - I can do anything I want." And I feel like if you kill me I would accept it with all humility as higher blessing. You can beat me, burn me, throw me away. Your will is my wish. Still it's not me on down the knees.

So badly I want to tell him that 315 is not my flight anymore.

I always say that nobody is obliged to do anything or to explain anything to me. And I am sure that is an indicator of an attitude: I won't explain only when a person is not able to understand at all or it is too painfull to me. Or if I do not care at all. Any other time I don't want to a dear one to worry or wonder, to suffer from ignorance. So how should I react to complete ignoring of questions which are so important to me? I can only repeat again and again that noone is obliged.

Painfully I'm forcing myself to talk to you again. I hope to learn how to deal with indifferency so will never be hurt by it again. I step over myself now and try to think of you, to write you letters, to react somehow. I am not good in it but inch by inch I sew together two pieces of cloth and they hold. Sure there's a stich, wide and rough, and nothing can make those pieces the whole.

I rise above not to think about revenge, not to hope for future, not to hate. I rise above to simulate some kind of friendship, to avoid rumours, to act normally to a person who actually did nothing bad to me.

I really do my best but I can't succeed.

"When I ever think of a woman I will think of you".

I still don't want to talk to you. I don't want to know about your life, don't want to talk about people, cats, apartments, colors, everyday stuff, anything.

I don't want to greet you in the morning, to wish you good night, to ask about health. I don't want you to worry about me, don't want to tell you anything.

I want to be with you as long as I can, make you happy, support you, give birth to your children some day. I don't want a small chat.

I don't want to talk to you.
Why should I talk to you.
Why give my life to an indiffirent.
Do you need my life? Did you ever need it?
Where would it lead?
Was I fooling myself?
Why did it change?
You won't answer.

In my schedule book there are special marks on every page to know when you are coming here and I can put my arms around you and breathe with you the same air, and have walks and chats and dinners, and see your sunny smile to which nothing could be compared. And then after a long day of having pleasure of you while doing nothing fall asleep head to head on the same pillow. And then wake up a little bit earlier and see you sleeping and be happy.

I believe we shoud take all good we can from current and don't think about future pain if we can't avoid it. We should feel the moment and not let anything dim it. This is why there are no marks in my calendar for your departure and I never make plans for your visit though I understand that parting is unpreventable.

There are no marks for that day when you will leave. For the night when I won't be able to fall asleep and will watch you every second, hold you, disturb you. When I will go with you to the airport and kiss you good-bye and turn around so you won't see my tears because I don't want you to empathise. Still you will say "Oh, Sashka, hush, hush" and I will smile to you as if it doesn't hurt like hell.

I will then come home and cry my heart out once I'm alone. After that I'll greet you with landing, write you a letter and put new marks into my schedule book to count days till I can put my arms around you.

My most significant crushes always were on far away living people. I can't understand what's so special about them, why they make me cry.